I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
