I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
