I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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