Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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