mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
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Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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