Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
