question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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