i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Never underestimate the power of titties
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