haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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