I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
