I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
