Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
