i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
