Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
pop tarts are not kleenex
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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