somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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