Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
