I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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