I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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