sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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