Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
