Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
