At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
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