He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's always time for handjobs
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You need a sexual gate keeper
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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