i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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