She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
