If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
