Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
