Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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