This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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