the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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