The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hippo gnu deer
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have peed in a lot of sinks
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
