just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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