This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
what day is it and did you see me today?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
