My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
