if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
