if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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