I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
this hospital has no fireball
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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