we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
