how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
