Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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