I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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