I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
