I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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