Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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