Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
