I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize