I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
