saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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