I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
