i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Randomize
