I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
