they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You are a genius and a whore.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
