The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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