bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
